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[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Fiction has to make sense.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
You look like you would fail a DNA test