My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
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Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah