That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
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when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*