“and how does that make you feel?”
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Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.