I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
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fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Writing, She Murdered.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
yeet
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.