[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
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a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Jail
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
TODAY
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
That earthquake could have been an email.