Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
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Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.