She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
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My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I know this now 😂