Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
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Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Basketball
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.