escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
You Might Also Like
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Happy Caturday!
A drum solo but on your face.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”