cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
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INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
#CatsOnTwitter
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”