“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
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All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
*puts words between two asterisks*
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
This hospital has everything
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark