Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
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opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”