All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
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Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
anyone else like Italian cereal
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Check out the legs on this baby
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
the answer was staring at me all along