I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Kids: Stay in school.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions