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That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.