maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
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ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
went fishing caught a bass
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve