Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
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Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”