Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
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Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
sin harder.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to