“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
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Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
*jingles half the way*
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.