Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
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Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
sir, my pâté if you please
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl