*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
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Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
#Thanos #MondayMood
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.