People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
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people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
#Caturday
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?