Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
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Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
True
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache