I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
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Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]