ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
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Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
God, I love Scotland
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?