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Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I occasionally drink every single night.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
lmfao
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”