Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
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BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole