All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
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I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
My neck, my back, my…
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?