The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
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Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
wut hotdog?
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.