In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
You Might Also Like
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production