This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
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If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”