HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
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What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.