When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
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At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
I’m sure it’s fine.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Wise advice
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.