If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
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Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
WTF
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I put the p in pants.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?