My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
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My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.