wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
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Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?