Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
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[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Have kids, they said