“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
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My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Oh no
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
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[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you