[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
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[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.