Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
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“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”