What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
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what?
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.