no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
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It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
nobody’s gonna understand
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.