[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
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I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?