If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
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[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
This fish is cracking me up
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Holy moly
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!