Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
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me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Still cracks me up
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe