A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
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I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
🙅🏻
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.