Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
You Might Also Like
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.