You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
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employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.