[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
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whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice